Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
