You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
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