what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
