My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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