She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
