i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
false alarm. still invincible.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
