Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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