So drunk its hurt
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
