I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
