Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
