My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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