I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
