Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
