that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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