I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
