there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
