her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
