I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
