Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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