I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
