I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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