I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize