everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
