I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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