noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
My liver just had a heart attack.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize