i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
where are you?
Hypothermia
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
