And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
