Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
