Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize