dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Randomize
