The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize