I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
