Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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