There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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