Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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