Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
where are my eyebrows?
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