I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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