I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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