we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
