dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Im part way to drunk.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
