shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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