who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize