Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Boobs are out for the taking
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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