i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
