Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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