I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
