I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
