You can't motorboat a personality
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
sarcasm needs its own font
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
