Pappa wants mamma naked
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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