don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize