My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
