woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
