I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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