Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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