the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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