i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
