i need an iv and a liver transplant
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
