glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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