I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
