I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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